It’s national sex day, and the only thing I’m Fucking
Is sad
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well I’m not gonna spread it!
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial?
He was trans-bender
What’s a snail on a boat?
A snailor
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I was going to post a time travel joke..
But you guys didn't like it.
I don’t know if this qualifies but I laughed when I first saw it and now it makes me sad…
https://ift.tt/2SRCrwy
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, “did you just hear that elephant?”
She's going too be a great dad someday.
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower…
They all replied "How did you get in here??"
I invented a new type of car…
Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!" My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!" Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high..
She looked surprised
Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?
It’s open Mike night!
Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.
He found love, got married and had a son. The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons. Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden. After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young anymore, it seems like an impossible task for him alone. He writes to his son: "My dear son, after your mother's death, I am finally ready to move on. I'd like to bring our old garden to new life. Unfortunately, the task seems to be too much for an old man like me. I know you're busy with work and family, but maybe you could help me with digging over the old patches. This would help a lot. Love, your father." Some time later he receives a short message from his son: "Father. Please keep away from the patches. It's where I hid the 'Thing'. Your son." The next morning, combined forces of FBI, NSA and HS invade the property and the neighborhood. They start questioning everyone and search the man's garden inch after inch, soil layer after soil layer. In the evening, they still haven't found anything and finally give up. The man receives another message from his son: "Dear Father, I'm glad that you want to move on after Mom's death. Work and family prevent me from visiting you right now, but after the recent visit of the authorities your garden should be dug over and ready for renewal. That's the best I could do at the moment. Love, your son."
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
Hispanic attacks
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
It means a lot to him
Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
My brother got fired from the mortuary for kissing the dead on the throat.
Turns out he was a neck romancer.
How do you make 7 even?
By removing the S.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
No carpet!
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?" Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know." The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?" The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know – if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.