I’m trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I’m having a lot of trouble.
Good players are hard to find.
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
This guy walked up to the counter and said ‘Burger and chips please,’
'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?' 'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he's a web designer
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
I cried when my mom chopped onions
Onions was a good dog.
My pet spider died so I went to the pet shop for a new one. They were so expensive.
Fortunately, I got one free off the web.
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just a paramedics
The man who created autocorrect has died.
Restaurant in peace.
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?………… 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge…
No matter how popular they get
antibiotics will never go viral.
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick." As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!" and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what has probably been making her sick." The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.
Never knew he was a barber.
Why is a priests favourite number 3.14?
Because they are very pi-ous
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
A little boy told his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.
"How did you know it was dead?" his teacher asked "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." the boy said. "You did what?!" the teacher shrieked. "You know," the boy explained, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' in its ear and it didn't move!"
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
Bindi Irwin got married!
That's a ray of hope!
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband’s cell-phone
"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway" Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
EVERY HAT RACK IN THE HOUSE FELL ON ME.
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
Why must you act quickly during a flood?
Because it's an emergent sea.
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe. 15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
I recently took a pole
I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.