Its never to early…
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
There’s a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
I was born with two kidneys,
Now I've got two adult knees.
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy…
So I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable Wi-Fi!
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it…
…You never know when you might need a nail.
What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
Last night I dreamt that I was weightless
I was like “0mg”
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
A ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
I never met herbivore.
Man, it’s so cold outside..
I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
Little Johnny’s teacher held a contest one Friday in school.
"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday. "The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?" Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately, but the teacher calls on Little Stevie. Little Stevie says, "That was John F. Kennedy, ma'am." "That's right, Little Stevie. You may take the day off on Monday." Little Stevie replies, "Actually, ma'am, I'm Jewish, and we believe in education. I'll be here on Monday." The teacher thanks Stevie for his dedication and then says, "Our next quotation is, 'One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.' Who said that one?" Again, Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up because he'd love a day off, but instead the teacher calls on Little Susie. Little Susie says, "That was Neil Armstrong, teacher, but just like Stevie, I, too, am Jewish and believe strongly in education. I'll be here ready to learn on Monday." From the back of the class, Little Johnny yells, "Fuck the Jews!" The teacher whips her head around and shouts, "Who said that?!" Little Johnny replies, "Adolf Hitler. See ya Tuesday."
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"
What turns “No, no, no” into “Mmmmmmm”?
Duct tape.
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The sky is the limit”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…
“If I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion
The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight." The Aussie said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked?, "Two full hours?….. Wow! that's unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
I’ve been saying “mucho” more often when talking to my Hispanic friends…
It means a lot to them…
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn't want to elect ron
What do you call an anteater that eats ants?
An ant eater anteater. What would you call someone against the previously mentioned anteater? An anti ant eater anteater. What would you call someone who eats the previous person? An anti ant eater anteater eater. What if that person is your parents sister? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater. And if a play is made about all of this? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater. And finally, who is the director of this play? The Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater leader.
