Its no more deadly than the common flu.
To be or not to be…
is technically, not a question
This one’s ok I guess
Son- Dad, I got my gf pregnant. Dad- Son, I'm disappointed. Son- Hi disappointed, I'm dad. Dad- You're ready.
A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “ Good”, she replied. …………… “Get your own f***ing blanket.” After a moment of silence, …………………… he farted.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I once met a girl with twelve nipples.
Sounds funny. Dozen tit.
A man bought a parrot but it had a bad attitude and a fowl vocabulary…
He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its dirty language but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot flies out, lands on his perch, and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask – what did the chicken do?"
How come teddy bears don’t eat anything?
Because they are always stuffed!
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
A waiter approaches his manager
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasn’t important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldn’t talk to him about it. The manager said “Don’t worry, it’s a naan-issue!”
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
“Yep, she got the house”
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
Grand Opening of a Vietnamese/Italian Restaurant
Pho Getaboutit
How can you get the attention of a pervert?
Mark the post with an NSFW tag
Finally done some exercise
feels like a weight's been lifted
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles…. I’m not sorry.
What did the one eye say to the other eye?
Hey Between you and me… something smells!
1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war…
…5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.
Why didn’t the Asian guy get a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
Did you hear about the photographer who went to jail,
I heard that he was framed.
A joke I made up that’s funny only when you look back at it.
This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem", The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?" The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!" "That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th…" "Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except… People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?" The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."