It’s not a fucking job title
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
The hardest part about babysitting-
-is dealing with all the… spills!!!
I’m a bald man and I’m thinking of getting rabbits tattooed on my head.
From a distance they will look like hares.
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
What do you call a zombie father?
The walking dad
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was motherfucking gold
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: That’s ….sound advice.
If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he could just sip on a soda.
Then he'd have a full orca straw.
Another character unlocked
Another character unlocked
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
I don’t get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo’s new product announcement…
My house is full of light switches!
I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and “nobody wants me on their team” and “I haven’t got any friends”.
Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
Bert: Hey Ernie, would you like some ice cream?
Ernie: Sure Bert!
Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.
As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out. "Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what kind of man I am." Putin takes a pencil and puts it behind his ear. Then he unzips his pants and underwear, and stands there butt naked in front of the three world leaders. "Now, witness the strength of Russia." He puts his stuff through the bars of the cage, and the wolf starts licking his balls. After a few minutes, the wolf starts to nibble with his teeth.. Putin endures it for several seconds, and then when the wolf finally latches on to his penis, he grabs the pencil from behind his ear and pokes the wolf in the eye with the eraser. As the wolf yelps, Putin pulls his package out from the cage and gets dressed. "And that, gentlemen," Putin says as the gets over the pain, "is the strength and power of Russia. Now, show me what your nations are made of. Supreme Leader?" Kim Jong-Un smiles and laughs and says, "No thank you, Mr. President, My, uh… wife would never forgive me." Putin laughs politely and shrugs his shoulders. He then looks to Trudeau. "Mr. Trudeau? Canada has native wolves, show us the strength of Canada!" The Prime Minister looks abashed. "Eh… no, no thank you, sir." This time Putin can't withhold his grin. He finally turns to Donald Trump. "Surely, the world's greatest superpower has a leader of great power! Show us the power of the United States of America!" "I'll tell you what, Vlad, as I call you, I don't mind doing it, I'll be great at doing it, the very best. Just do me a favor, there's no need to poke me in the eye."
I’m terrified of 2022
Because 2022 is 2020 too
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Why can’t Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.
Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes? Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years. Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people. Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac. Student: how about someone who is aroused by feces? Prof: that’s not so common but I believe they call those people coprophiliacs. Student: Wow, you know a lot. Ok, what about me? I’m aroused by sticking my junk into a bag of cashews. What would you call me? Prof: well I’d say your fucking nuts.
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
How long does it take to master the art of Italian cooking?
Time cannoli tell
I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
My mum always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”.
Nice lady, terrible surgeon.
Have you ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?
It’s beauty was unpresidented.
Is it just me or is 21 pilots 19 more than they need?
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“Hey dad, what does gay mean?” The boy asked his dad
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?" His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
My earliest clear childhood memory is going with my parents to the eye doctor.
Life before that is a blur.
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I for one like Roman numerals.
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