It’s not ac meme, but it’s still funny
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
Today I saw two blind people fighting…
I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..
My dad died after no one could remember his blood type for a transfusion
As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Reindeer sounds like rain dear haha so funny 😐
Well Trumpy you’ve got 402,000+ people to visit and “embrace” atm. Better get on it.
What do you call a caveman that wanders around aimlessly?
……. 4s² 3d¹⁰
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: “Dad look what happened to my tooth!” Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
A sign that Trump was destined to be president.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
A man gets “I love you” tattooed on his penis.
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend. She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".
C++ n00bs be like
[OC] u/vaaliera Ahaha phone bad
Ahhhh the masterpiece is complete
Probably a repost, but just got sent this by my grandmother…
Very big brain
Preach it Lemmy!!!!
Donald Trump is reportedly banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
In honor of my dev bio quiz today
I was close except for the pandemic on my bingo card.
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
Two ladies talking in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… we'd both still be alive.
Hoping for 20/20 vision in 2020!
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds
They’ve left no tern unstoned
“not republican, I’m libertarian” starter pack
The girl I just started dating told me she is Russian
I told her I think we should take things slowly
Thanksgiving Boomer meme
“I just urinated on a pregnancy test,” said my girlfriend. “I’m pregnant.”
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.
The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose." The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
Quarantine Day 4: Migrating my servers to Minecraft
Twitter boomer shared this gem.
“Poppa Capp” and “MEW”
I’m sorry… little one
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God". Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus Christ and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: sniffs Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
Probably not true but I wish it was
Big brain time
I hate vacuum cleaners. They suck.
No text found
Remember when the Republicans acted in good faith?
The Bard’s barber often asked him if he preferred a clipper cut.
And every time, William spake "shears."
Gucci should open up a children’s store
And call it “Gucci Gucci Goo”
Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?
You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
Half credit to u/Nexuist for the find
Pacific garbage patch.
King Trump’s above the law
Always happens with me..
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
Gotta love AP chem
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
Priorities in order
Yes Pornhub I know there are lonely sluts in my area
…I’m one of them.
My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
My Wife wore a “Vaccines cause autism” shirt
She was insulted, punched and spit on Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
Name calling does not a president make. He has the mentality of a spoiled child.