It’s not bad but it makes the meme worse
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
How come you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
I have the best doctor
Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
Grimey
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it
Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
“I made a pencil with two erasers.”
"It was pointless."
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?
A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
But you do need one to go skydiving twice
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
Which body part dies last ?
The eyes, because they dilate.
I finally found a book that I was totally glued to.
It was a family album
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype. Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand… But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
What do you call a sad coffee??
Dippresso
I’ve been telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's about raisin awareness.
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
I’m really excited about the new movie about tractors that is coming out soon.
I just saw the trailer.
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician…
If I started a band called “Ceiling”…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have sex for my birthday.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.