It’s not even edited well
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slow swimmer
What do you call it when Batman skips church ?
Christian Bale
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car
a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".
Without women sex would be
a pain in the ass
Why did Thor lose his power to use lighting?
His father grounded him
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
My new girlfriend is so needy…
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention
But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
What did the farmer say to the cows at night? 🐄
It’s pasture bedtime.
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
“What can I do for you, Father?” “I’m collecting for the orphanage.” “Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: “OK, you can take me now.”
My teenage daughter is really acting odd..
She can’t even
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
My uncle used to breed and sell parakeets…
they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.
A man goes to a dear friend’s funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word for the deceased.
She says "Go ahead". He says "Plethora". She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".
I took two pairs of socks golfing
In case I got a hole in one
What do you call a muscular Arab?
Protein Sheikh.
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
A haiku about corona virus
I am so bored I have too much toilet paper I need a ventilator
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did…
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple. "Who is it?" "It's Mark." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia." "Very well son, come in." Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia." "Very well son, come in." At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York." "Very well son, come in." Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas!" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye
I’m really excited about the new movie about tractors that is coming out soon.
I just saw the trailer.