It’s not even funny to sane people
If someone stole a Tesla
Would it be called an Edison?
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
My son’s nursery school just bought some brand new air fresheners…
It's a day care scenter.
What do an English teacher and a Coder have in common?
They're both pro-grammars
What’s green, has four legs, and is deadly when it jumps on you?
A billiards table
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."
Someone looked at me at the store today and yelled “SIX FEET!”
I said "6' 2", but good guess."
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store…
..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldnt you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”
A book fell on my head
I've only got myshelf to blame….
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
Why do Uber drivers skip the gym ?
Because they don't even Lyft
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
Two wind turbines in a field
One turns to the other and says "what kind of music are you into?" The other one replies "I'm a big metal fan"
My albino terrier was bleeding and a woman asked “is he ok!?”
I just told her that he was all white.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because curiosity killed them all.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
https://ift.tt/2NMRNzn
The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
Me at the bookstore: Do you have any books on turtles?
Cashier: Hard back? Me: yea, with little heads.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
ROMNEY DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF
Sorry, just practicing.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.
Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they’re cold?
Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.
You know what jokes are trendy these days ?
Inside jokes.
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
Idea
Could the r/dankmemes reddit be banning non europeans just as a dank meme?
