It’s not hard really. Lol
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I just adopted a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.
His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replied “perform the fucking autopsy!”
[NSFW] What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on me.
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
An Irish Skydiver
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive. When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' " Mick asks: "Did you jump?" Paddy replies: "A little bit when it first went in."
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
What’s the difference between COVID and a Karen?
One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.
TIL Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore…
I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna” I don’t even know where that is!
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance… never really wanted to" A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing.. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12-gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said; "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir… but…. I've always wanted to"
Day 284 without sex…
Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room…
…a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool
I like my women like I like my coffee,
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.