It’s Not Just America
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced “Ladies and Gentlemen don’t forget to adjust your watches to local time”
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
What do cops say when they have sex?
Stop resisting!
They always bring out the propane torch whenever they need to melt cheese
They always bring out the propane torch whenever they need to melt cheese
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
Strong Young Man
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Idiot, get in."
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm
If not believing in myself was an Olympic sport.
I'd probably get bronze.
I tripped over my wife’s bra left on the bedroom floor last night…
Damn boobie traps
Y’know
I once lived a stone's throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries.
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
I just found a dead body in the street
So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow See how she fucking likes it !
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
I love how earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating…
But I think I've pulled it off.
The first time I used an elevator..
Was a really uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
I want to tell you all about a girl that only ate plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
