President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
I own only two types of clothes— I wear my gym clothes when I exercise.
For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.
An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.
Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place. God, on the other hand, took notice of what was taking place and was furious. He demanded to speak with Satan. "Why do you have this man when he lived righteously and has a place in heaven?" God bellowed. "I don't know, but I'm keeping him," Satan snarkily replied. "You will hand him over now," God said ferociously, "or else I will sue you!" Satan smirked. "Where you gonna get a lawyer?"
Alabama Pastor
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
A guy finds a Genie in a bottle…
A Genie zooms out of the bottle and shouts "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM MY MYSTICAL CHAMBER! YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES!" The guy says "Ha, Make it four" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE GRANTED! YOU NOW HAVE THREE WISHES LEFT!" The guy stumbles "Oh wow, okay umm, then I wish for 300 wishes!" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE DENIED! YOU MAY ONLY WISH FOR MORE WISHES ONCE! YOU NOW HAVE TWO WISHES LEFT!" The guy asks "Wait, you count it as a wish even if you deny it?" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE ANSWERED! YES, AND ASKING QUESTIONS COUNTS AS WISHES TOO! YOU NOW HAVE ONE WISH LEFT!!" The guy screams "SHIT!!!!" The Genie awkwardly claps his hands, and says "Thanks man, I've been stuck in that bottle for 4000 years" as he runs towards the bathroom
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
My Father thinks this is funny as hell. I need to leave the family WhatsApp group.
https://ift.tt/2Vbtvl6
I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.
She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
6:30 is my favourite time.
Hands down.
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
Broken pencils are pointless
No text found
A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
When William joined the army,
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
My wife is mad at me for not having a sense of direction
So i packed up and right.
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
When my friend said I knew nothing about Asia..
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.