It’s not socialism, because I’m in oil and gas
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity
A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing…
They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!" The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed. "I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out." The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?" "Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman "Yes." replies the fish. "Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?" "Yes." "And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?" "Yes." "Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."
My wife wanted a robot vacuum for Christmas, so I got a cheap knock-off made in Mexico..
It’s called Aye Caroomba.
Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “what’s the WiFi password?”
The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first.” So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?” The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.”
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
Some heavy stuff my teacher puts in our Homework during Coronavirus Homeschooling.
https://ift.tt/2WTxo0t
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
Clothes-minded.
I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.
No really, you can’t make this up.
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans
My penis may not be 12 inches
….but it smells like a foot.
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
I recently got a Delorian but…
…I only drive it from time to time.
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her “throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
i was going to say a joke about a blunt spear
but i don't see the point
What does ED stand for?
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Two faced
When my daddy first seen me, he said "oh look, he's got my smile". Mom said "That's his backside, turn him over."
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
I just figured out why Beyoncé’s hair is always blowing in every picture.
It is because she has so many fans.
What odd number is no longer odd when you remove a letter?
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even. Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago. I’ve never been more proud.
Why did the hipster drown
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
A Bar Opened Opposite a Church…..
The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business. Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it. Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer. The Church Denied all Responsibility!!! So, the judge commented, "It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
Halalapenos
Why was the Genie angry?
Because someone rubbed him the wrong way.
Scottish Humor
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
My wife just found out she’s adopted.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
My friends keep telling me I’m on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
How is performing cunnilingus similar to being in the mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
A woman goes to buy a parrot, the prices are $200, $100 and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheep.
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"