It’s not wrong
What’s the difference between golf and skydiving?
One goes WHACK! then “uh oh” and the other goes “uh oh” then WHACK!
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
Her:I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me:Well that makes two of us
I want to be a pick-up artist
But I don't even have a drivers licence
Just found out I’m allergic to plantains today.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door….
She says "who is it?" "It's the blind man" comes the response. Ok, thinks the nun. "Come in then". In walks the man; "nice tits, now where do you want this blind?"
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
I like this because no matter which way you think is the right way to say it you are right
https://ift.tt/2zujMPY
What do you call an Arab stand-up comedian?
Mohahamed.
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
You should never buy Velcro
It’s a total ripoff
Sure, a library is the place to find a lot of books to read from
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
A doctor flirted with me today. She said that I am too sweet.
Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.
What do bees say to psych themselves up at the start of their day?
"Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
My ex-girlfriend used to beat me with stringed instruments.
I didn’t know she had a history with Violins.
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
Why does listening to FM radio hurt?
Because Mega Hertz
Doctor’s Affair
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
What do being constipated and being bored have in common?
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
My uncle posted this on FB with the caption “We could all learn from this guy”
https://ift.tt/2Udc17o
Everyone at our wedding cried.
Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. “Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.
Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years. “Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there? “What, are you lying?” “Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son” Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after some time she starts wondering why Johnny hasn’t tried to take things to the next level. “Johnny, are you attracted to me? We’ve been together for months and you haven’t tried sleeping with me yet. Is something wrong?” Johnny replies, “When I was younger, my dad told me that girls have teeth, you know, down there. “That’s silly”, she says, “let me show you”. So she starts to strip from the waist down, lies back and spreads her legs. “See! No teeth!” Johnny looking horrified says “ Well no wonder! Look at the state of your gums!!!”
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money." The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom. He stops the first driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the second driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the third driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver says, "You crazy? That is a condom!" The cop says, "You not drunk. You free to go."
I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
Got my first date of 2020 already lined up
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole crushing.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts
Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Knock knock / Who’s there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind it’s pointless.
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today…
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".