It’s one of the most boomer things I’ve seen on my timeline……….
I want to be a mailman, but my friends keep telling me I’ll be terrible at it.
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
Baby genitalia, am I right?
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
Who will speak for the billionaires?
Saw this in the wild.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!
Problem Handling done
Fat jokes are not OK! (except this one)
Life is like a dick
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
Trump supporters be like
Why can’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
Its called inflation.
Was looking at MDN docs and saw this. Nice.
Kid lies about school project to spend time with his dad.
A young man goes to confession
He says "Father, I have sinned." The priest asks him "Tell me son, what have you done?" The young man admits "I've just cheated on my girlfriend" Priest "Oh, son, that's not good, but we all stray from God's path occasionally" "But Father, that's not the worst of it. They were twin sisters" "Son, I can see you're feeling guilty, but I'm sure you can atone…" "I'm not done, Father. They were only 18" "Son, legally and in the eyes of God…" "They were virgins, from Sweden. Blonde. They barely spoke a word of English and I took advantage of them!" The priest is getting a little flustered now "Ok, well, it's going to take some serious prayer and reflection on your sins to make your peace with the Lord." The young man continues "But Father, it was in my girlfriend's bed, while she was at the hospital visiting her sick mother" Before the priest can say anything, the young man continues: "It went on for hours. My God, they were so beautiful, I took them in turns, and both at the same time, it was wild. We fucked in the bed, on the floor, in the shower, on the kitchen bench, and then when my girlfriend walked in, I just kept going. They were insatiable…" The priest, now getting upset, says "Son, stop!" But the man continues "…I got it on video, so I can keep it for whenever I want to see it, and I can show it to my friends, and hey, do you want to see it?" The priest yells "Stop! No! I don't want to see it! Goddamit, what kind of Catholic are you?!" The man replies "I'm not a Catholic" Perplexed, the priest asks "…Then why come to church, why are you in confession? Why are you telling me all this?" "Dude… I'm telling everyone!"
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau…
…but that’s the highest form of flattery.
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…
They're always plotting something.
I’m starting to notice a pattern…
My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!”
Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
When colleague does not have dark mode IDE and asks me to check something on his screen.
Satan was really mad when he went bald.
There was hell toupee.
SN2 reaction meme for all u people in o chem
The Evolution of Software Architecture
Whenever I see a Bloomberg ad every 3 seconds
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
Found one in the wild
Funny how it goes, eh?
What will you do if that’s get true?
I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette
I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire. The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket! After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.
With great reflexes comes great response ability
No text found
This was sad
Mmmm true true..
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
Dad tries unsuccessfully to teach his kid how to make a snow angel
Republicans United To Fight For Injustice
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
22nd time for NASA, 1st time for Elon..
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well…
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
My meme from r/memes
How to make friends
“Dad, what are condoms for?”
“Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
Constantly on the lookout for it 🧐
Thanks, Earth doctor
How does the lead singer from Rammstein ask his wife what she wants for breakfast?
Do. Do hash. Do hash browns. Do hash browns sound good. Do hash browns sound good.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
It don’t be like that sometimes
I don’t understand why people celebrate pi day
Dads are like boomerangs.
The end of justice.
Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart?
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do…
We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
These are the women who hoarded all the toilet paper and demand refunds