They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
It was a huge ore chasm.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him. The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence. Finally she spoke, “Alright then, what was wrong with the other tie?”
Asked if we had chicken? I replied, “no, black Betty It’s ham or lamb.”
…were upset when their tent collapsed
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
"Add some jam on it," he continued (Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)
Because they make up literally everything.
A Popesicle! Get it? Because it's holy. My kids didn't get it either…
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
They were prime mates.
Because they cant keep a straight face
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."
She asked me to move out with her.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?" The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small. "Um…barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs. Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help. A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!" The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup. Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl. He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey…I'm…Tom." She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking…" she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?" He glances back at the bar. "Yeah…sorry," he pants. "I wanted…to impress you, but…it turned out to be…a pretty cheesy…pig-cup line."
People will be lined up for blocks.
A couple of thugs on a bike, drove past a pedestrian and snatched his bluetooth headphone straight off his ear…
They came back to return it 2 minutes later, when they realised they had stolen his hearing aid.
A reptile dysfunction!
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’ Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent it already.’ Joe said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’ The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with it? Joe said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t flog a dead horse!’ Joe said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’ A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’ Joe said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Joe said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.’
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
He doesn't like to be spotted.
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news". "Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies. The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor." The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?" He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?" Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!" The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"
The madam of a whore house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in Rabbi’s garb.
"May I come in?" asked the Rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But Rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we…" "I know what you do here," interrupted the Rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls." Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The Rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those." The Rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the Rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?" The Rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me – Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The Rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again." "Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap." "Okay." The Rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless." "Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the Rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the Rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for, to Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the Rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is fifteen hundred dollars.”
And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit. He's the Chip Monk.
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
Does that make me an Axe murderer?
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?" "For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies. "That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony. He extends his hand and says "Shake!" The pony promptly performs the trick. The man produces another dollar. "Play dead!" The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while. "How about a tougher one?" the man says and puts another dollar in the jar. "What's eleven minus five?" The pony stomps with a hoove six times. "This is incredible" he exclaims. The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault. After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says: "Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can't do?" "He can't sing" the man replies. The guy considers this for a bit. "Why can't he sing" the guy asks. The man looks him in the eye. "He's a little horse."
Or should I spread them apart
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
The Italians just introduced it to women
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.