It’s only fair
If a is for Apple and b is for banana….what is c for?
Plastic explosives
I really need to cut my fingernails,
they’re getting out of hand..
I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
Why should you NEVER ask Rick Ashley for his complete collection of Pixar movies?
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
I’m a 50 year old with a 20 year old body
How do I bury it
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. “Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!” He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.” The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!” All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!” The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
A police officer pulls a man for speeding
Po: Sir im gonna have to write a ticket but i will give you a chance by answering a trivia question. Guy: Lets do this Po: There are two headlights coming from the end of the street. What is it? Guy: Its a car!! Po: Sure but is it a kia, is it a mazda? That was wrong but ill give you one more chance. There is one headlight coming down the street. What is it. Guy: Its a motorbike !!! Po: Sure but is it bmw , is it suzuki? Sorry man im gonna have to proceed with the ticket Guy: Hey give me one last chance. Ill ask you an easy trivia question and if you get it right go ahead and finish the ticket Po: Ok go Guy: Theres a lady at the corner of the street very late at night. She is wearing a mini skirt and a very tight blouse while waving and talking to men in cars. What is she? Po: She is a whore dude… Guy: Sure but is it your wife, is it your sister?
Wanna hear a HIPAA joke?
Sorry, I can't tell you.
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasn’t come out yet!
What did you learn at school today?
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
Did you hear about the great Duct Tape Heist?
No one knows how they pulled it off.
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
https://ift.tt/2StZDgM
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
Apple is releasing what they call the iKnife
It's cutting edge technology.
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
Donald Trump was due to get circumcised
But the doctor said the procedure couldn’t go ahead due the fact that “there is literally no end to this prick”
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
Well… Here goes nothing
No text found
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.