It’s Only Logical, Jim
We’ll just use Luxembourg for storage. Why can’t you store your clocks in Sweden? Oh the whiff! And they don’t display leap years properly
We’ll just use Luxembourg for storage. Why can’t you store your clocks in Sweden? Oh the whiff! And they don’t display leap years properly
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
#textblob #python #translator Spell Checker & Languages Translator pro…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcgtoxRXnRk&feature=share
A guy has been accused in our town for murdering people by hitting them with a cement bag.
However the police still don't have any concrete evidence against him.
I have a chicken proof lawn
It's impeccable
I don’t like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.
It's almost up to 5 TB.
When you hear Google has new training for its AI but realize its based off of Reddit
When you hear Google has new training for its AI but realize its based off of Reddit
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
I’m glad I’m good at making musical puns
Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.
Dad Joke Witnessed IRL
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
I have a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
People asked me to stop naming Bruce Willis movies…
But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction.
It’s been 4 years since my last job interview
I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
it's all about raisin awareness
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
Bro, do you want a pamphlet?
Brochure!
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?" Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know." The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?" The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know – if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts
Did you hear about the two houses across the neighborhood from each other that fell in love?
It was a lawn distance relationship.
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”…
… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry
How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?
Username checks out
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
You console it.
If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it the crucifact.
How do we know that atoms are Catholic?
Because they have mass
What do you call a stupid fish?
A dumBass
“YOU’LL SEE! THEY’LL ALL SEE!”
– said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd. (credit goes to my mom)
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas." The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?" The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home." P.S. Sorry