It’s over here, Sarge
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
Why did the man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well
I’m addicted to brake fluid.
But it's ok I can stop at any time.
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
[OC] Why did the man have a whirring noise in his ears?
Because he was genetically engine-eared.
So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms
Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
I have a pen that can write underwater!!
It can write other words too.
A German pushes his brother off a cliff
"look mom no hans!"
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.
I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza. So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfecting my “authentic” ramen recipe. Sure enough, there’s an even longer line there, only two packets per person. And there’s literally a whole aisle of shelves that’s just instant ramen, plastic wrap from the boxes is on the floor, and the person picking out their two packs is being very indecisive… there is a decent sized group waiting, so I head to the cleaning products aisle. This is where it gets crazy. One store employee is tearing open bulk bags of toilet paper, giving one roll to each customer. And there is another employee putting Clorox wipes in baggies, 5 for a dollar. The aisle is packed, shopping carts clacking together. So I decide to just go get some Koolaid or fruit punch or whatever. There is no punch line.
My wife wants to have sex over the telephone.
The bed might be easier though.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
Dont have sex with sad people.
They're just trying to fill a hole.
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
My wife left me because I’m insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Association
God the engineer
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
What did the burger say to the bun?
I'll meat you in the middle.
What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decaffienated
Bank Robber: Where’s the Safe?!
Teller: Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THE SAFE? Teller: Bank Robber: ANSWER ME! Penn: He always does this
What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?
Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
Dads are like Boomerangs.
I hope.
I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth Fairy! Edit: Thank you kind redditer for the Gold.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "That's from Grandma."