It’s rare for a boomer meme to make me physically cringe.
Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Aw, don't cry. It's just a joke.
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
He goes to the urinal as another man enters and starts using the urinal next to him. The other man looks over at him and asks, "Are you a Jew?" "Why yes, I am," he replied. "Are you circumcised?" The second man asked. A bit put off, the first man answered warily. "A strange question… but yes.. I am circumcised…" "Did you grow up in New York?" The second man asked. "Well, yes! I did. How did you know?" "Did you study under Rabbi Korinski?" "I did! How do you know so much about me?" "He cuts at an angle and you're pissing on my shoe."
They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
She said she was majoring in bye-ology.
I told The the judge. “All my wife does every night is go out bar after bar” “What is she doing” the judge replied “Looking for me”
You can, but it has to be a cakewalk
It's the first time they'll see 2020
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"
My kids are upset about that decision.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
I have to remind him what Israel.
Are you having a crisis?
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
I’d be like, “Why y’all keep giving me all these dimes?”
The food is great but there’s not much atmosphere.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.