It’s setting a bad example for our childr-
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket…
A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again. The hostess leaves to go get help from other attendants. Multiple women try their luck at explaining to the blond that she's in the wrong seat, but none prevail. Eventually, they seek the help of the Captain. "She's blonde, you say?" queried the Captain. The hostess' nod. "Shouldn't be an issue, my wife is blonde" The Captain gets up and approaches the woman – the hostess' watching from a distance. After a few seconds the blond quickly gathers her things and heads back to her seat. The Captain returns to the hostess'. Amazed, they ask how he did it. "It's simple, really" he said, "I just told her first class wasn't flying to Detroit" My mate told me this one when we were in 4th grade, I randomly just remembered it so I thought I'd share. It's not laugh-out-loud funny, but I think it warrants a short exhale out the nose <3
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. “Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
It was a little condescending
He said, “Poop!” It was a shit joke
A roamin’ Catholic…
He wasn’t happy
So the three scientists, Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are in a car on the highway. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop goes up to Heisenberg who is driving and asks “do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “no, but I know where I am”. The cop replies “well you were going 70 in a 35 zone” and Heisenberg says “great! Now I’m lost!” Anyways, the cop is suspicious so asks to check the trunk of the car. He comes back and says “hey, you know there’s a dead cat back there?” and Schrödinger replies “great! You’ve ruined the whole thing!”. So the cop is fed up, he pulls Heisenberg out and arrests him, and does the same with Schrödinger, but had a problem with Ohm because he resisted.
Fans will remember that
Well she’s a real Paige Turner
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.
It's a little too crude.
…Is sphere itself.
But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways
My cremation is going to be epic.
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
I gave him a glass of water.
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
Because they have no troubleshooting.
He was a neck romancer.
They log in
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you,” the husband said. “I've been having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side
to Barack Obama’s Fault
Something inside me says yes
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years. “This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid. “And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
"Because she's only three." I answered.
Now he's in pane.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
I’m now the CIEIO.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”
It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
He had a bright idea