They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
She couldn’t see that well
The second one's a repost.
Because they can't even.
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.
You'll get jurasskicked..
He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!" The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that jew!" Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazis direction. The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew". The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the jew smiling broadly at him and waving. Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar"
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that.
LEFT WING DESTROYED
Husband, with tears of joy going down his face: Hi I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid, I’m dad
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
But it’s harder to deter gents
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
No text found
Laziness walks in my family.
I haven’t heard from him since.
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
Because they are ice-o-lating
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
A lot of conditioning
I don't like high maintenance women.
Her name is Dee.
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
I replied, "Yes of course, that'd be 20 cows."