It’s still not finished
Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.
Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
How to tell if your rich
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
A nazi walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!" The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that jew!" Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazis direction. The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew". The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the jew smiling broadly at him and waving. Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar"
I asked the toy store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
My girlfriend said that quilts are better than duvets..
I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that.
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?
LEFT WING DESTROYED
Wife: honey, I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid.
Husband, with tears of joy going down his face: Hi I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid, I’m dad
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
Alcoholic snails.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
No text found
My wife was complaining that I’m too lazy. I told her it’s not my fault.
Laziness walks in my family.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
What do you call a rodent with a machine gun?
A ratatatatat
A son asks his dad, “Tell me a joke!”
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.
I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
There are 10 kinds of people…
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.
I don't like high maintenance women.
Bill Nye has a daughter who doesn’t believe in science.
Her name is Dee.
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” they ever met.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
I was in New Mexico and a cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows.
I replied, "Yes of course, that'd be 20 cows."
