Its that time of the year again
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
That’s just how I roll.
I asked the toy store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
I get embarrassed when my dog sniffs peoples’ crotch
Especially because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
People say I pronounce my b’s and v’ like a Russian…
Then Soviet…
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
Two guys are digging to the center of the world.
Eventually one guys looks over and sees the other is just standing there holding a pole. "Wears your shovel?" "Yeah, it sure does."
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
Attitude Adjustment
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the least, rude. Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, anything she could think of. Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird became even madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace. For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm. Perfectly calm, the parrot said, "I am very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior, and I am sure it will never happen again." Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
What do you call a teenage boy’s bedside diary?
Sticky Notes
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears
Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
A priest, a rapist and a paedophile walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
Someone broke into my garage earlier today and stole my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
No text found
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned…
I thought we had good alchemy…
I still remember my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket
“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
A woman in the shower hears the doorbell. “It’s the blind man”. So she answers the door naked…
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
Anyone hear about the transsexual lion that became a vegetarian?
He was a her before.
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
La gorda abby llegando al mcdonalds
La gorda abby llegando al mcdonalds
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
My five-year-old, everyone.
My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen: Step-daughter: "I'm hungry." Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad." Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?" Me: "Aw why not, sweets?" Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!" Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore." Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore." I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a funeral).
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
Why did the girl fall in the well?
She didn't see that well.
There was an emperor who was great at measuring things.
He was an excellent ruler.
What’s the difference between kung pao and the coronavirus?
One's Chinese take out, the other takes out Chinese.
I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic?
The surgeon said: go ahead, knock yourself out.
I looked longingly into my beloved’s eyes and whispered “A…E…I…O…U…and sometimes, Y.”
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
A man is lost in the desert…
A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days. Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: companionship. After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck…' and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceeds to start mounting the camel. As he does so, the camel whips its head all the way around and bites him in the face. A few more days go by, and the man starts to really need a lay. He tries a similar tactic of going behind the camel, but tries doing it much faster. Once again the camel whips its head around and bites him in the face, which ends with him laying in the sand frustrated and without having satisfied his urges. A few days later, a sandstorm picks up and the man hears cries coming from nearby. Through the biting sand, he recognises that the calls are from a woman. As he nears, he realises that she is covered in sand up to her neck. She shouts to him, "Please! Please dig me out, I'll do anything you wish!" The man dismounts and starts digging her out. As he is going along, he notices that, not only is she extremely fit and beautiful, but her clothing has been damaged in the sandstorm as well exposing her bare breasts. Advancing to her waistline, she begins to help him, and he sees that her dress has been ripped away, and she's nearly naked. After a couple of hours she is free, and she motions seductively to the man, "For saving my life, I'll do anything for you. What would you have me do?" The man wastes no time dropping his trousers, and says, "Hold that camel's head for me, will you?"
My friend looked at me and said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing!”
I said, “Thanks, but I think we call them pants, not an ass shirt.”
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms ?”, he asked.
I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"