“It’s the economy, stupid.”
Why do hobbit holes only have one entrance?
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Trump retreating to his safe space after being treated ‘very unfairly’ by NATO members
https://ift.tt/34RYsyv
What do you get when you cross dyslexic, an insominac and a agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Why did the lawyer go to culinary school?
He wanted to be a sue chef.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
What’s the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant?
About 3,000 miles.
A male and a female martians swapped partners with an earth couple
The Martian male was fucking the earth female but she told him that his penis was too small so he pulled his left ear and his penis became longer then she told him that it's too thin so he pulled his right ear and his penis became wider and the earth female became very happy. The next night the earth female asked the earth male about his experience with the female martian so he said "yea it was fun but idk why she kept pulling my ears"
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
But I laugh more.
Son: Hey dad why won’t this screw go in
Dad: Make sure you're screwing down into the wood Son: Oh crap, I screwed up
Son: I’m gay, Dad.
Dad: No, I’m gay Dad. Dad #2: No, I’m gay dad.
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly. “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.
Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
No text found
Give a man porn flick and he’ll masturbate for a day…
… Give a man a wife and he'll masturbate for a lifetime.
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost..
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
It’s easy to get along with meteorites.
They're really down to Earth.
Anytime I tell a terrible joke to my kids, I walk away from them and yell it from across the room.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.
A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than ten seconds. The man asks one of the angels there about the strange wall. The angel responds:"Each clock in this room represents a country back on Earth. You see, each clock has the country's name written on the hand, and each time a person from that country commits a sinful act, the hand on said clock goes forward a bit. The bigger the country the bigger the clock." Intrigued by this, the man seeks out the clock of his own country, Canada. And what do you know, there it is, going forward one step at a time. He looks at all the other clocks, like Russia, the biggest if them all. Right next to Russia is tiny Estonia, and next to that Finland, Sweden and Norway, all going steadily forward, almost simultaneously. But one clock is missing. The man asks the angel, "Where is the American clock? I thought it would be pretty big, but I can't see it anywhere." The angel responds:"Ah yes, that one. An arrangement was made to have that one transferred to hell." The man asks:"Huh? Why is that?" To which the angel responds:"It's being used as the ceiling fan in the smoking room."
I’ve been diagnosed with the fear of giants…
…feefiphobia
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step, until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
You Are Weak. And You Are Weak Because You Don’t Have Enough Hate.
You Are Weak. And You Are Weak Because You Don’t Have Enough Hate.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters