It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
When a women is giving birth, she’s literally kidding.
No text found
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
Aspirin
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
I went swimming today and took a pee in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
For the past three weeks, I’ve been jogging a mile a day
Now I don't know where I am.
Did you hear about the explosion at the Shoe Factory?
God rest their soles.
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
My teeth need to be fixed.
They keep moving around.
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
What do you call a kinky dinosaur?
A Doyouhaveasoreass
Man is at a job interview
Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000. Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.
I relabeled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…
TIL Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
A man and his wife go to a therapist.
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
If you get into a pillow fight with death…
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
My daughter told we she is a vegan.
I told her it is a huge missed steak.
George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.
He even used the name when he had a little grill.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
Hand Jobs $20 (NSFW)
A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads Grilled Cheese – $3 Ham and Cheese $5 Roast Beef – $6 Hand jobs -$20 A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?" "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks. "Yes I am!." She replies with a wink. "Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."
Where did the hacker go?
I don’t know he ransomware.
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.
I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.
He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good …". The guy replies "Last night … Last night was the worst night of my life." "Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?" So the guy tells his story: "Last night, I had a drink or two, down at Sally's bar. Ya know Sally? with the big …?" "Yeah, I know Sally", says barman. "So I was down there, just having a couple … Feeling pretty good, and Sally says to me, she says 'Hey, I want to close up early. Why don't ya come back with me back to my place?'" "Wow, says the barman. That's not a bad night" "Wait for it, I haven't finished yet. We go back to her place. She's clearly feeling frisky. I try it on a bit, yankow. Ease over on the couch. She jumps at it. Rips my clothes off. Rips her clothes off. We jump on the bed and start going at it. So we're bangin' away, ooohin' and Ahhhin'." "Hey that's pretty good. Sally is a very nice girl. What a night" says barman. "Wait, I haven't finished yet. So we're goin' at it, Ooohin' and ahhhin'. You'll never guess what happens." "What happened?" says barkeep. "There's a sound of keys in the door. It's her boyfriend. She says 'Oh no, quick, he's crazy. You've got to hide'. So I look for a place, but there's nothing. I end up out on the window ledge, hanging from me fingers. It's pitch black, cold outside, the wind is whipping passed my ass and I'm freezing to death!" "Oh I see the problem", sasy barman. "Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy walks in, sees Sally on the bed naked, jumps in straight away. And they're banging away and ooohin'n'aaaahin'. And I'm stuck outside, pitch black, hanging from me finger tips, freezing cold, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh, that's bad." "Wait, I haven't finsihed yet. So suddenly, the guy stops. Says 'Sally, sorry but I got take a piss.' Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, takes a piss out the window. So I'm hanging from me finger tips, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping passed me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh no … " says barman. "Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to the bed, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and oohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens. He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'm feeling a little woozy. I have to throw up'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, upchucks his guts out. So I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me neck, vomit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh please no" says the barman, looking a bit uneasy. "Wait I haven't finished yet. He finishes, goes back all fresh, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and oohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens. He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'll be done in a second. I need to take a dump'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he sticks his ass out the window … anyway, so I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me chest, vomit gooping round me ears, a shit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh, let it stop" says the barkeep. "Wait I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to Sally, they're bangin' away, oohin'0n0aaaahin'. And finally they're done. they go to sleep. At that point, dawn appears, the sun comes up. It's day time. And I'm hangin' there, freezing cold, piss dripping down me legs, vomit oozing down my back, a shit sliding round me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, I'm freezing to death, and I'm six inches off the ground."