It’s the “FINALLY!” That makes this
An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.
Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place. God, on the other hand, took notice of what was taking place and was furious. He demanded to speak with Satan. "Why do you have this man when he lived righteously and has a place in heaven?" God bellowed. "I don't know, but I'm keeping him," Satan snarkily replied. "You will hand him over now," God said ferociously, "or else I will sue you!" Satan smirked. "Where you gonna get a lawyer?"
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
A Politician, Sexual Predator and Criminal walk into a bar
Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
I’m just going to get some cigarettes
I’ll be right back
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
I suspected my girlfriend was a ghost right from the beginning
Starting with the moment she walked through those doors.
I just found out there’s a person inside Iron Man.
It was a Stark realization.
My son asked me how hard it is to calculate the area of a circle
I told him it’s easy as pi
My six year old nephew just told me this joke… Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi
I’m proud of my son, I never thought he’d go so far
The catapult worked well
I started a company…
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.
We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.
What’s the difference between politics and anatomy?
In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.
An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.
"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew. "But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew. "That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the Chinaman. "But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg…" "Goldberg, greenberg, iceberg…"
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema.
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Two birds are sitting on a perch…
One asks, do you smell fish?
Never take chidren seriously
They are always kidding.
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
So there’s a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.
One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator. "Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars missing, the boss wants to know where it is" Deaf man signs over to the translator, "What? I have no idea what he's talking about" The translator says to the boss, "Boss, he says he doesn't know what you're talking about". Boss says to the translator "I'm gonna ask one more time. Where is the money?" The translator says to the deaf accountant, "He's asking one more time, where's the money?" Deaf man reiterates to the translator through the sign, "Seriously, I don't know what he's talking about!" The translator says to the Boss, "He says he seriously doesn't know what you're talking about" The boss is now infuriated. He slams his fist down on the table and points a gun to the accountant's head. He tells the translator, "TELL THIS MOTHER FUCKER I WILL BLOW HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THIS DESK IF HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE MONEY IS RIGHT FUCKING NOW" Translator signs to the accountant "Ok he's dead serious. You better tell him where the money is, or he's going to kill you right here" Accountant signs to the translator, "OK! OK! I'll tell you! I hid it in a briefcase underneath my deck!" Mafia Boss asks, "Well, what did he say?!" Translator says, "Well, boss, he said go fuck yourself"
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story.
I think that something scary is about to happen, I can feel it.
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
If you’re bi and single then you aren’t bisexual
Your bi yourself
Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?
Because it has no home button.
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn’t pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys