It’s the homemade Skyrim captions, man.
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.
At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener.
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
….I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
I hate dying
It will be the last thing I do.
A woman goes to the doctor’s to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, “Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?”
Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?" The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin." "Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!" "Well…" says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?" She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings
But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
I just ate a frozen apple
It was hardcore
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers ?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
Just found out I’m allergic to plantains today.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
What do you call pasta with a cold?
Macaroni and sneeze Was told to me by my 3 year old
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
Donald trump walks into a bar…
And lowers it.
I’ve asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the bar…
Well, she always said she wanted a night in shining armor!
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested….
I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence
Be careful if you decide to breed rabbits
I've heard that it's a real hare raising experience
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards
Patient: And?
How do you find put how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
I denounce that barbers religion
It's hairesy
A third-grade class is on a field trip to the museum when they come across a mummy exhibit. The display has a sign in front saying, “2982 BC.”
One of the kids asks his friend, “What do you suppose that means?” His friend thinks for a few seconds, then concludes, “It must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.”
So original post was taken down because there was no caption so here’s the meme again with the original debate that inspired it
So original post was taken down because there was no caption so here’s the meme again with the original debate that inspired it
A father decides to buy a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test the robot at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. The boy said "I did my homework." The robot slaps him. "Okay, okay! I watched a movie at my friend's house" said the boy. "What movie did you watch?" asked the father. The boy said "Toy Story." The Robot slapped him. "Okay, okay! We watched porn!" said the boy. "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!" said the father. The robot slapped him. The mother laughed "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slapped her.
I don’t have a “dad bod”…
I have a father figure.