It’s the same for every language.
What’s the difference between a kiss and anal sex?
A kiss will make your day, but anal will make your hole weak.
Proud dad moment
My eldest and youngest boys (8 & 3) came in to mine and my wife's bedroom his morning to say good morning. My eldest says that he's hungry at which point, before I could say anything, my 3 yo pipes up. "Hi hungry, I'm Zachy!". So proud…
What do you call an Emo A capella group?
Self Harmony
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
What kind of bird doesn’t have babies
A swallow
You can tell I’m a dad based on my jokes.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?" Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars." Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?" After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?" Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
My mom sent me this. Ultimate piece of boomer humor, complete with laugh track:
https://ift.tt/38SsqEU
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio. Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down.
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake…
… until the doctor told me to take the candles off first! Happy cake day to meeeeee!
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice…
Except Chris Brown
Why did the train go to the sauna?
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
Two young boys think it’s about time to start swearing.
All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together. The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for breakfast?" Her son replies "I'll take some fruit loops bitch." The mother immediately smacks the kid upside the head and sends him back to his room. She turns to the boys friend and says "I'm so sorry you had to see that, what would you like for breakfast?" The boy looks a little scared a replies "I don't know, but definitely not fucking fruit loops."
A washed up actor hasn’t gotten a job in years. He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'" When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger. The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?" The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you’re alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
Did you hear about the photographer who got lost in the woods?
He died of exposure.
I was just in my local supermarket…
Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of. I called him a selfish b*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself! He said: "That’s all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
