It’s time we thank the President for mitigating unnecessary American deaths due to a horrible and contagious disease!
Idk if this fits here, but oh well will I try
THE DEAR LEADER GAVE YET ANOTHER BRILLIANT PERFORMANCE ON THE WORLD STAGE!
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
He isn’t Wrong Guys
The Secret Life of Tech
Soon just got me without this one: “Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?”
Give me a second I'm still working on it.
I don’t mind breakfast in bed
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes” I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
It be real tho
There are 3 unwritten rules in life
1. 2. 3.
Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.
Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
Sounds good to me
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Jokes and sex are almost the same
I don't get it
They are right.
Pigeons playing chess
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
Founded Today in my CS class room
Damn, who is cutting onions?
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf…
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
The fuck is this shit?!
A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions.
Her: Cargo space? Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Asking for a friend…
Kinda chuckled at this one
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said "Bach Bach Bach!"
I hit a rat with my car today
It left a ro-dent
And yet I still wonder why I can never understand anything I’ve written
Unbelievable! 364 Days until Christmas…
…yet there is deco everywhere already!
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero
Don't worry, he's 0K
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
What’s the scariest cat
The one that made me puma pants.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
R.I.P. boiled water… you will be mist
No text found
Posted this 3 years ago but still my oc
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
They are willing to pay for the wall now.
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus. A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19). The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars. TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
Those were the days!🇨🇦
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"
Found on Instagram
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
If my son turned out to be transgender, he ain’t no son of mine
She’d be my daughter🥰
My friend posted this
Coffee is essential
let’s go. In and out. 20 min adventure.
ENGINEERING DEGREE FANTASY VS REALITY YAKUZA EDITION
I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
Speaking of pardons
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Nice lay-up officer
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
I’d like to tell you my corona virus joke.
Hopefully you won't get it.
Women are pros 🤪🤣
Killer shed Melania, Be Best
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)
Kina want to tell the pediatrician I speak Old English just to see what happens…