It’s too much
Bond. Legal Bond.
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
They have a high rate of return
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.
…but he didn't know it was a magic forest. As he began to chop down a tree, the tree said "Wait I am a talking tree". The lumberjack said "And you will dialogue".
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium Me: So there's no nickel in this cage? PSW: Don't do it Me: It's a nickeless cage PSW: LEAVE!
But he really saved the History channel.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
Captain Hook bought his hook from a second hand store.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Me: Thanks for reminding me
I said “son, what is A for?” “Apple!” “That’s right! What is B for?” “Banana!” That’s right! What is C for?” “Explosive!”
It means a lot.
at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer. “No, I always give 110%”
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
It wouldn't stop ringing!
They where made in grease.
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
steven: even numbers stephen: ephen numbers
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her." The boss says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Nobody looks at you funny when you lick an envelope