My uncle needs to be stopped
should’ve been vaccinated
They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
Glad y’all can retire.
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie! 👔
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
Father what is this thing
Programmer hourly rate!
Sounds like a job for Daptomycin
Can you fix my ?
I laughed, and then quickly realized some kids own this.
I haven’t understood a single joke since this quarantine started.
They must all be inside jokes.
I’m addicted to brake fluid.
But it's ok I can stop at any time.
Matlab has its own special place in hell
I suppose you wouldn’t take YOU as an answer?
Lowkey kinda hot…
It be like that sometimes
Chinese is a tonal language…
The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use. This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations. Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.
HOW i got rich
One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? – No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
AI is the future
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
Such a shame
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
Current state of the union
Jesus will save us from Covid-19 (idk, if it belongs here)
The face says it all
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Sorry Grandpa, the Commander in Chief says you don’t count.
When the build fails and you immediately recompile
An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I wanna get my hands on the fuckwad that pushed me in that water!"
I was going to make a joke that I thought was really clean
But my mother told me that it wasn’t polished enough
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.
All the time
First President in History…I guess
Mysterious (credit to u/sathvik_vadari)
My girlfriend sat on my keyboard…
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
Master Slave Relation
This weird trick works 100% of the time!
Does your dick touch your asshole?
A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer. Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?" Father: "Tell me son… does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No, it doesn't." Father: "Then no, you can't have any." The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette. Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?" Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No." Father: "Then you can't try it." The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500. Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?" Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!" Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
My mirror is really enjoying quarantine.
It has a lot time to reflect.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
Guy: I’m hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he’s drinking…
He says, "Magic beer. You want one?" "Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says. "Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window. "That's incredible! I don't believe it!" she says. "Hey barkeep, throw me another one o' them Magic Beers". The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again. "Here, you try it" he says to the blonde. She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground – breaking both her legs – and begins screaming in pain. The bartender says, "Superman, you're a real bastard when you're drunk."
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
My invisibility, my choice
My wife told me sex is better on holiday
…worst postcard ever.
Documentation is very important.
Yes i masturbate fully naked
if you dont like it, go to another starbucks
Do you remember?