My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
A book fell on my head.
I've only got my shelf to blame.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
https://ift.tt/2wQ2VWA
My girlfriend and I are trying the whole “long distance relationship thing”
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm.
He's been made the CIEIO
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers.
He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit, and she asked him if there was anything he could do. The undertaker told the widow that he would do what he could and to come back in three days. When the widow returned three days later, she found her husband in his coffin, wearing a stunning blue suit. She was overcome with gratitude and asked the undertaker how he'd managed this. The undertaker replied, not half an hour after you left, a lady brought in her late husband, who was wearing a blue suit. She told me how he'd always wanted to buried in a grey suit, but she couldn't afford a new one, so I told her I'd see what I could do and to return in three days. After she'd left, I checked and he was about the same height and build as your husband so I swapped the heads.
Did anyone else’s parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.
Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
Some people are like Slinkies.
Not all that useful but fun to push down the stairs.
Everyone told Sam not to sing
but Samsung anyway.
When the dev team has to find a critical PROD bug without repro steps from tester
https://ift.tt/2UNKGsJ
I read a lengthy article about Japanese sword fighters
It's okay I can Samurais it for you.
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line
Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?
They don’t want to dialog
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
Why can’t Harry Potter differentiate between his best friend and a cooking pot
They're both cauldron
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them…
Says he has always been able to count on them.
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
“Did you take a shower, Dad?”
“Why, is there one missing?”
A buddy once asked me if I’ve ever stuck it in her
…you know, "other hole". I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Association
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?"
The Hindenburg
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would blow up!
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
Q: How do you tell if there’s an elephant hiding in your refrigerator?
A: Look for footprints in the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 2 elephants hiding in your refrigerator? A: You can hear them fighting for room. Q: How do you tell there are 3 elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's more no room for the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 4 elephants in your refrigerator? A: You need a fork lift to move it. Q: You're in an airplane that's running out of fuel much more quickly than expected and is going to crash. What does the pilot throw out to save the plane? A: Your refrigerator. Q: Greg and Rich were playing their weekly game of chess. Greg always wins, but this time Rich was so close. He sat there thinking, and thinking, and thinking, trying to find an opening. He thought for so long that he died, and Greg won. How did Rich die? A: A refrigerator fell on him. Q: The Lion King called a huge meeting and demanded that all the animals come. There were the cheetahs, antelope, wildebeests, rattle snakes, hippopotamus, literally almost everyone one was there for the big meeting. But they couldn't start because there was one animal missing. Who was is? A: The elephants, because they were in your refrigerator. Q: Your walking across a desert when you come to a big river. You are so hungry that you're about to faint, but you can see several fruit trees full of fruit on the other side. There's an old bridge across the river, but it has a sign that says "Bridge closed due to snake infestation." Along the river there are also signs that say "Warning: Crocodiles – no swimming." How do you get across the river? A: Just take the bridge. All the animals are at the Lion King's meeting. Just some absurd jokes from my childhood 😉
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door." The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you? "Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us?" "You should go outside and help the poor man." Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?" In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes Please." "Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."
Did you hear about the recent race to send a cow to space?
The steaks will be higher than ever