It’s unreasonable
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
Why did the Pepsi rep get fired?
His blood tested positive for Coke.
I got fired from the sperm bank
I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"
Some lettuce is better than others
It shall romaine nameless.
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
What’s blue and not heavy
Light blue
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
What did the llama say when he was getting evicted?
“I guess alpaca my bags.”
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
Neodymium doped Glass changes color depending on the wavelength of the light hitting it.
https://ift.tt/2NXvk2L
The Island Joke.
There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island. One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent small portions of their armies. Kingdom A sent 15 knights and 25 squires; kingdom B send 20 knights and 25 squires and Kingdom C sent one knight and one squire. The knights decided among themselves that this fighting was beneath them and decided to let the squires settle things by themselves. While the squires of Kingdom A and Kingdom B were warming up, the squire of Kingdom C erected a tall pole, tied a noose to it and hung a pot in the noose. When they actually started fighting, the squire of kingdom C was able to successfully fight off all the other squires, because the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
The average person has sex 54 times a year…
Tomorrow is gonna be wild!
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
This sub is not meant for memes
This sub was and still is for boomer comics, things that boomers find funny, or straight up boomer garbage. I’ve noticed that many people are posting memes about boomer humor, which isn’t what this sub is for. Thank you
Hey /r/CleanJokes, police related jokes just aren’t funny!!
So give it arrest…
When writing a function and then googling just to see if there’s a better way
https://ift.tt/38mlMXf
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
Someone just stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about that. (Credit to 30 Rock. Thought it fit here)
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
I have a fear of giants
Feefiphobia.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
It was touching.
An IRL dad joke
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so – I've been working out!"