I put all my watches together to make a belt
It was a waist of time
A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.
A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than ten seconds. The man asks one of the angels there about the strange wall. The angel responds:"Each clock in this room represents a country back on Earth. You see, each clock has the country's name written on the hand, and each time a person from that country commits a sinful act, the hand on said clock goes forward a bit. The bigger the country the bigger the clock." Intrigued by this, the man seeks out the clock of his own country, Canada. And what do you know, there it is, going forward one step at a time. He looks at all the other clocks, like Russia, the biggest if them all. Right next to Russia is tiny Estonia, and next to that Finland, Sweden and Norway, all going steadily forward, almost simultaneously. But one clock is missing. The man asks the angel, "Where is the American clock? I thought it would be pretty big, but I can't see it anywhere." The angel responds:"Ah yes, that one. An arrangement was made to have that one transferred to hell." The man asks:"Huh? Why is that?" To which the angel responds:"It's being used as the ceiling fan in the smoking room."
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
Day 173 without sex
Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
Title
https://ift.tt/2Or1Fxj
What happens when you crash your fancy new car?
Your Mercedes bends
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
Someone threw a can of coke at my head today….
Im ok though, it was a soft drink
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
Do you know how to drive this thing?
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had
I don’t get the purpose of an air filter
It just sits there and collects dust.
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography! Teller: Don’t you mean History? Robber: Don’t change the subject!
I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Did you know that Iron Man is really just Fe male?
No text found
Why do teenage girls only hang around in groups of odd numbers?
Because OMG they can’t even.
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
https://ift.tt/2Tqvhha
I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage
Zero fucks were given.
A man goes on a business trip to Japan
In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting: Hasimota! Hasimota! Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few japanese businessmen on a golf course. One of the businessmen makes a shot and, surprisingly, scores a hole in one. Everyone applauds and the foreign man, wanting to sound clever, shouts: Hasimota! The man who scored the shot turns to him and asks in confusion: "What do you mean 'Wrong hole!'?"
Did you know that One Direction went for a haircut together?
Now they have the same Harry Styles.
“Dad, I’m so happy! I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
I wish I was taller…
Then I could sleep longer.
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.