It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
These scare me most about the future when it’s a younger millennial sharing this drivel.
https://ift.tt/34p9pX8
If you take something, thatβs one thing
If you take something else, thatβs another thing
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke ,
and don't get a reaction
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
How many people are dead in that graveyard?
All of βem, I hope!
Mom, I’m dating a man.
-Whom, sweetheart? -Dante the mailman. -Dante the mailman? But he could be your father! -But mom, age is just a number. -Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.
Why does Orionβs belt only have three stars?
Well, some of the reviews say itβs just a waist of space
To the guy who stole my antidepressants the other day.
I hope youβre happy now.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
What did the bee say to the daffodil? πΌ
Hey bud, when do you open? π
It wasnβt fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few years ago.
Now I can look back and laugh.
Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.
Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran very quickly. – "I can't run that fast" – The monk thought. He started training. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the fastest monk in the whole world. He then returned to his farm. As always, the thief appeared and took 3 carrots. The monk started chasing him through the fields until they reached a fence. The thief jumped over it, but the monk stopped. – "I can't jump that high" – He thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the highest jumping monk. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence and they arrive at a lake. The thief jumps into it and swims away. – "I can't swim" – The monk thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the best swimmer among all monks. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, they reach a mountain and the thief climbs it. – "I can't climb" – The monk thought. He started training climbing for days, weeks, months, until he became the best monk mountaineer in the world. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arived at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way. Suddenly, he punches the monk in the stomach. – "I can't fight" – the monk thought. He started training for days, weeks, months, until he became the best boxer of all monks. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arive at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way and knocks him down with one punch. – "Why are you only stealing 3 carrots at a time?" – He asked the thief. – "I will tell you, but promise to never tell anybody". And the monk kept his promise.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying βthis isnβt working anymoreβ
I open the fridge and itβs working fine WTF
A priest, a rapist and a paedophile walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
Did you hear about the water bottle that got recycled?
He got plastic surgery.
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
The Goose-Tapo
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
How to tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water… If it sinks: girl ant If it floats…..
I canβt stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike
My dog doesnβt even OWN a bike.
Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
What does every woman in the world want?
Nothing they're fine
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.β
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now