It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
A book fell on my head
I've only got myshelf to blame….
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
It Do Be Like That For Characters Like Master Chief And Countless Superheroes
It Do Be Like That For Characters Like Master Chief And Countless Superheroes
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
To the people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough.
You make me sick.
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.
One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”
Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job,
Now he’s just a handyman.
this ad….
https://ift.tt/2MOD46q
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango.
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
My dad has a camera pointing at the river outside
He likes to keep up with current events.
The ground floor of buildings are really terrible.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
Walls of youth
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son….. 'Go get your Mother'
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
“What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!” He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father. “Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler. Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said. “You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring Johnny!”
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.