It’s wondering what’s beyond the Sea…
Why did donald trump throw the sick eagle out of USA?
Because it was an illeagle.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Its not hard
I thought it was a booger
But it snot.
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
Joke
You could view the cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a big time spoiler….
“This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
I keep seeing the quote on women’s tinder profiles, “If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote.”
Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.
I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike…
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.
I took my mom to the computer hardware repair store.
It didn't take much time to make my mother bored.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
I was going to make a joke that I thought was really clean
But my mother told me that it wasn’t polished enough
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college…
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.
I wonder what my wife’s favourite US state is.
Maybe Alaska.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers…
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
I love pressing the F5 key.
It's very refreshing.
I got called pretty today.
Actually the full statement was "You're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on positive things today.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours
They called it a day
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
I just cross-bred an alligator and a homing pigeon.
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
What did the mod say to the redditor?
[removed]
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they’d be be gross, but they were actually pretty good…
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didn’t realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
Why was the fool left hanging?
No text found
A Canadian..
Can't.
My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk
I asked if she wanted it pasteurized. She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."
