I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ is
Nobody will give me a straight answer
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.
“Who was that?” asks his wife. “Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
Love means nothing to them
It writes other words too
They’ll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Especially if collaborators don’t stick with the format.https://ift.tt/2Ew0T1o
If found guilty he'll be given a real tough sentence
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
Because he can neverland.
Looking at it now, I see why.
Put an apple logo on your product.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-old man. "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, they both ask: "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don’t wake up until 7:00."
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.