I’vE bEeN cRyInG fOr ThE pAsT 10 mInUtEs. LMAO this got me weak fr fr tho😂😂😂
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
If I had a Delorean
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
What do you call a sunburnt Irishman?
A baked potato.
A message from experience.
A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was
I said "Sir, this is 2020. You can use any printer you want".
You know that’s not really funny…
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
It was touching.
Seen in Lebanon …
Okie dokie boomer
The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don’t know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?
Three guys interviewing to be a detective. The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that" He calls them into his office one by one. The first guy goes in and is shown a picture of a recently captured criminal. Tattooed face, large scar, he's quite recognisable. The inspector says, "Take a close look, and I want you to memorize and remember all the features that will help you identify this man in a crowd" After a minute, the man is done. The Inspector turns the picture over and says, "Well, go on, describe him to me" The man responds, "Well it wouldn't be hard to find this guy, given that he has only one ear". The inspector stares blankly, turns the picture over and says, "What sort of a moron are you? This is a side profile of the man.. don't tell me you thought… ugh, get out and stop wasting my time!" The second guy is called in and given the same challenge. After his minute he says, "Well, I couldn't really focus on much other than the fact that he has only one eye" Visibly frustrated, the inspector bellows, "What is wrong with you people, do you not know what a side profile is?! Get out, and call the last guy in!!" The last guy comes in and is given the same challenge. The inspector adds, "You know what, take 5 minutes.. and think carefully before you answer" 5 minutes later, the young man turns the picture over himself and says, "You know, I'll bet he wears contact lenses" The inspector scrunches his eyebrows and then squints at the young man in silence for a few moments. Not wanting to potentially get embarrassed, he excuses himself to go check the man's criminal profile. 2 minutes later, he steps back in. A pleased but puzzles look on his face, he says, "Well, yes.. yes he does wear contacts lenses. How could you tell?" Visibly delighted with himself, the young man beams back with a smile, "Oh, it took a while to think of it, but there's no way he could wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear"
In the before times
How do you check if a sniper loves you?
He misses you.
Ohh yes, I stored the value in ohdsifb variable. My bad.
It really be your own sometimes
Someone told me my clothes looked gay this morning
I told them it was because they came out of the closet
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
Doctor: Did you know that you have a severe inability to vocalize your emotions?
Me: “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
A black hole and a nebula go for a meal together at a restaurant…
The nebula orders a huge amount of food but the black hole just orders a drink and a small appetizer. The nebula says to the black hole, “Are you sure you don’t want more?” The black hole replies, “Nah, I eat light.”
I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.
Well the css Work !
It should work…
At least they had fun
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips…
"Are you the friar?" he asked. The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
Very strange but funny deer vandalism
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
I always knock on the fridge door…
You never know when there may be a salad dressing.
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
Why haven’t aliens visited yet?
They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star
Millennials are killing the church
When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
La Brea (The Only Tar Pits For Me)
make rheum coming through
It’s a known fact that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
Why do hockey players wear so many pads?
Because they have 3 periods a game.
This is why we need planned parenthood!
Oh well, let me start another project. This will be great!
Ain’t that just funny
Why can’t chickens tell time properly?
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
The recently put forward a referendum to allow public flatulance
The motion was passed.
I BATH IN THE TEARS OF MY ENEMIES!
Because I let them cry on my shoulder.
I though it would be easy
I stumbled upon an Elk with no name…
… it was Anonymoose
“What are u guys doing?”
Happy Thanksgiving Boomers
Husband bad 💦
#2537: Do you have a vagina?
A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this. Man: Do you have a vagina? Woman slams the door in disgust The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again". The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this" The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? " The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".
An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes." The social worker then went on to explain further"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well…You started it!"
Tragedy with a silver lining.
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
Yes i masturbate fully naked
if you dont like it, go to another starbucks
My wife claims she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
An oldie but goodie
I do inquire
Who’s little sister is this
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness