I’ve been doing a lot of baking in self isolation …
They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.
But I managed to pull it off
Just found out I’m allergic to plantains today.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot
Then why did the plane crash?
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
A vegan kept telling me selling meat is gross
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer
A nun goes to the priest and says “father, there’s a hole in the roof of your church.”
"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church." The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman. The following day the priest is preparing for a visit from the local bishop. As he is weeding the gardens, he cuts his hand. Calling the nun over he says "there's a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my quarters somewhere, could you fetch it for me?" The nun nods and goes looking for it. It is as the priest is greeting the bishop that she returns from the church and loudly announces "father, don't worry about the weed, the alcohol was under our bed!"
What do you call a dog that eats other dogs?
A caninbal.
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery
Hashtag nofilter
I once swallowed a dictionary…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
What does a house wear
Adress
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.
The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly." The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the worm is as straight and stiff as a board. The old man pays his grandson fifty dollars. At dinner time, the man gives the boy another fifty dollars. "I though you already gave me my fifty bucks!" says the boy. "I did," says the grandfather. "This is from your granny."
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?
ME: Through the glass bit
I had to break up with my boyfriend after he lost his feet in an accident…
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo…
…the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!!"
Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
Cutting-edge technology.
Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.
I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they’re going to pay.
You have my word
