I’ve been playing Tetris a lot lately.
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training!"
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?
MadAtGasCar
Sure, a library is the place to find a lot of books to read from
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.
You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
https://ift.tt/2tvvNSa
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
Today I saw two blind people fighting…
I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.
He's calling it "That's what Xi said"
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Why did Sally fall off the swing
She didn’t have any arms; Knock Knock; Who’s there ; Not Sally
I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000…
I can’t stand it!
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.
Is dark matter todays version of phlogiston, vitalism, the four humors, steady-state model?
https://ift.tt/2AMo9Xl
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Dad: *Rubs couch* “Is this satin?”
Mom: "It's clearly not." Dad: Sits down "It is now!"
Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet?
Or are we still just washing our hands?
I had to put my foot down today.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
So a doctor has sex with one of his patients…
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A SEA-SAW
I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.
I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.