I’ve been roped into posting this on reddit
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
I have a friend from Prague who I play chess with.
He is my Czech mate.
My wife told me nothing rhymes with orange
I told her “no it doesn’t”
My friend Victor recently changed his last name to “E”, but no-one knows why…
He’s become a Mister E…
My son told me my grammar was good.
He meant well.
![The perfect Front-End — Back-End representation I found at this school [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/QLEBy48-400x400.jpg)
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”
They are just big raisins.
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
My child keeps saying small groups of words together
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
How do you search for Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
I will never make an elevator joke
I refuse to go that level
I have joke about left-handers.
The only issue is I’m having trouble finding the right audience.
My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He can’t say ‘please’ which I think is poor for four
Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.
Being homeschooled sucks.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?
SUMPRODUCT()
I drank some food coloring and I dyed a little inside.
No text found
What does Trump call kayaks?
Fake canoes
When writing a function and then googling just to see if there’s a better way
https://ift.tt/38mlMXf
Co-worker got a new drill and another co-worker responded, “Oh man, he’s got a gun!”
The followed response, "Guys calm down, it's just a drill."
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
You console it.
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
A husband and wife were fighting.
Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family? Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?
He wrote poultry for her.
What do cops say when they have sex?
Stop resisting!
