I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
It means a lot to him
A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”
It's the cleaning craze that's sweeping the nation!
He said “Oh, I was just checking my balance”
It's Not Safe For Work
It was a #2!
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
If you look up the word "flabby".
You boil the hell out of it.
At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman" The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"
We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
He was a small medium at large.
Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's house
Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
’About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
One goes WHACK! then “uh oh” and the other goes “uh oh” then WHACK!
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
Being ugly every day sucks.
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
They all disagreed with her though.
It was the least I could do.
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
This is going to be one hell of a week.
That she was a little boulder.