I’ve been so bored recently, I decided to take up fencing…
My neighbors said they’ll call the police if I don’t put it back…
My daughter was playing with my computer when she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
I guess she just craves anarchy.
What is the abbreviation for “we have a thing”
No text found
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
It was 10 years ago today that my best buddy Dave came running out of the room shouting “ it’s a boy!” with tears tears streaming down his face….
….We never went back to Thailand since!
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high….
She looked surprised…
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.
Pope: "Do you know Jesus?" Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year." Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millenniums and we're still waiting for his second coming." Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate." Pope: "Chocolate?" Alien: "Every time he visits, we gather the best chocolate from each manufacturing plant and give them to him before he leaves. Why, what did you do the first time he came here?"
How do you know when a herpetologist is really upset?
They're throwing a hissy fit.
I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.
I thought to myself… “This sub has gone downhill”.
What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
I hear in Africa they tried an experiment where they blessed the rains
It was a Toto failure.
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?
The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?
Drycoughsky
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
Me: This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo…
They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?" The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie." The son replies, "No, mom. I know what the trunk is. What's THAT thing hanging under the elephant?" He points directly to the bull elephant's now engorged member. The mother looks, blushes, and quickly says, "Oh! Um…that's nothing, sweetie." Frustrated, the son tugs on dad's shirt and asks, "Dad, what's that thing hanging underneath the elephant? I know it's not the trunk." The dad looks and calmly says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." The son asks, "When I asked mom, she said it was nothing." The dad smiles and says, "Son, I've SPOILED that woman."
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
“Dad, I heard that the only way you guys could communicate with each other when you were young was landlines and snail mail.”
Dad: No, you better get your fax straight.
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
I’d make a Sodium joke but……Na
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