I’ve come to talk with you again
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks
and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.
A couple is trying to have a kid
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."
Social Distancing Pickup Lines
If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me? Can't spell virus without U and I. Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin. I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there. Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink? Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T. credit: some facebook post i saw.
I hired lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.
They lost my case.
What happens if you mix goat DNA and human DNA?
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
![[OC] Guess The Pun #48 – Watch the sideeye, Sass-lan…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/no_image_card-37-400x247.png)
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
I like to cook dangerously
I take whisks in the kitchen
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
I don’t like stand-up comedy
But I do like sitting down
The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, ”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom. The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came in silently………. He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his dick, got on top of her and fucked her like there was no tomorrow. When he finished and while he was still panting, the wife said, "You didn’t fcuking expect to find me in this bed did you!!” and switched on the light. “No madam”, said the gardener.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
Its a buccaneer
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
What do you call a cancer doctor when they’re on call?
An oncologist.
My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses…
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
I sent my my deceased cat, Mittens, to be stuffed.
But the taxidermist only did her back half. It was a cat-ass-trophey.
What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
If horses gallop…
Do seahorses scallop?
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way
german wife bad
Translation:Alexa: ‘Helga, bring Klaus a beer”Most algorithms are programmed by men’https://ift.tt/2H2F8UH
Gadzooks! r/ProgrammerHumor is looking for moderators (mod application thread)
https://ift.tt/2WLc4Zg