I’ve come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
What do you call a communist sniper
A marxman
A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road…
At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right. After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused again about how he's reached the same sign decides that he's made a mistake somewhere along his path and looped back to where he started. Thinking he's made a mistake, he goes right again. He travels another five miles down the path until he reaches another sign, reading the same thing. "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." Determined to reach Reddit, he again goes right, and after another five miles of riding, he reaches a bar with "REDDIT" spelled out in bright lights. Feeling exhausted and angry for traveling all of that way with such little direction from the signs, the man decides to head in and have a beer. He walks in and sees that every bar stool is taken, but there is no one behind the bar taking orders. At this point, the cowboy is so dehydrated, sunburned and angry that he decides to barge right into the managers office and demand an explanation for this madness. He sees the manager sitting at his desk and asks him: "Hey Partner! What kind of circus are you running here? Every sign to get here is the exact same, and there's not a single person here to take my order!" The manager looks up from his desk, smiling and says : "This must be your first time here, so I'll explain. Every post is the same, and our servers never work. Welcome to Reddit, partner."
Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
Why was the horse so smelly?
Because the cow gave him a pat on the back!
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
What do women and grenades have in common?
Take the ring off and the house is gone
In college, I double-majored in accounting and dentistry…
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
Where does the cynic go to pray ?
The Cynicgogue
So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.
As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
What’s something only 10 year olds can do?
Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket…
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?
Old hobbits die hard.
I respect tyres.
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
Dad, how many types of boobs are there?
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, suprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice and hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?", the son asks. "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." The daughter and wife are infuriated on hearing this. The daughter asks "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mom smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After 50, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter. "Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do…
It’s my ankle.
This one time, all the rooms in a hotel were booked. But then comes this one guy, who asks for a room, in the same hotel, and gets one easily.
Because his name was Improvement. And there's always room for improvement.
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike
I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.