I’ve compiled my bucket list.
I've compiled my bucket list. 4 drumsticks, 4 thighs, original recipe, 2 individual mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits.
About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil…
Don't even get me started on baby oil
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
I'm going to put my glasses on..
He wanted to raise the steaks.
But then, I realized I would miss being a person so I didn't.
It didn't stop ringing
I stopped the car and he asked me if I could give him a few directions. 'Certainly,' I replied, 'up, down, east and west.' Then I drove off.
It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.
A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him: “Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died” The man looked at Saint Peter and said “Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed! I looked all over the apartment but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.” Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in. Another man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died. “Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!” Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him: “Tell me about the day you died” “Oh man Saint Peter you’re never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this…I’m butt naked hiding in a refrigerator…”
I strained my voice.
The water, because the butane is lighter fluid.
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
But it’s up there.
Because all the fans left.
IF YOU DON’T CALL BANANAS; POTTASIUM SWORDS THEN YOU ARE WEIRD
One has a pause at the end of its clause and one has claws at the end of its paws.