I’ve created a new word
Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)
I lost my mood ring today.
I'm not sure how I feel about it.
A lawyer gets pulled up for overspeeding in Chicago.
Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer? Officer: Sir, you were overspeeding. Lawyer: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see ur license please? Lawyer: I would have given it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see… Can I see your vehicle registration papers then. Lawyer: I can't do that either. Officer: Why not? Lawyer: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner. Officer: WHAT? Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defend, otherwise he would have called the police and I would have landed in jail. The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly retreats to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars encircle the Lawyer's car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle. Lawyer: Is there a problem sir? Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner. Lawyer: Killed the owner? Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir? Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license. The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it over to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner. Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
A photon checks into a hotel.
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
How are your grades son?
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend. The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
Who can drink two litres of gasoline?
Jerry can.
The lights in my house just went out, so I have to call an electrician….
I am unable to deal with the current situation..
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
Wanted: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies.
But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House…
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes: Mexican contractor: 3 million Italian Contractor: 7 million Israeli Contractor: 10 million After a while Trump asked the Mexican – Why did you ask for 3 million. The Mexican said:-One million in paint, one million in labor and one million profit. He asked the Italian why he was asking 7 million. Italian replied:-3 million in high quality painting, 2 million in specialized workforce and 2 million gain. He asked the Israeli why he was asking 10 million. The Israeli responded: Don Trump my friend – 4 million for you, 3 million for me, And with the 3 million leftovers we pay the Mexican to paint!!!
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
Met a beautiful girl at the park today..
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
What does a fish wear when he wants to blend in?
A gillie suit.
The salesman asked me , “so which mattress do you want?”.
I said , “it’s a big decision, I need to sleep on it”.
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
What did a Buddhist say to a hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
Anyone Can Fall in Love
There were two antennas on top of a skyscraper collecting radio signals. They meet, fall in love and decide to get married. The wedding wasn’t much to talk about, but the reception was excellent. 😜
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife