I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as……
Edit: SILVER? Thank you kind redditor!
Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison
The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I’m confused…
… because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
And that has made all the difference
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by floating it in water?
If it floats it's boy ant
Oh yes it works
Round young virgin
Good stuff pt.3
A quintessential boomer comic
1 Star for Autozone in Minneapolis
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
What time is it?
Waiting for that stimulus money
Wife was breastfeeding..
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in Me: yeah he is really milking it
They follow him cos he’s the republican trifecta🤔
[NSFW] My office had an OSHA violation
It's Not Safe For Work
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
It’s a rough feeling man
Hell I’d take any dad
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
Why didn’t the Asian guy get a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging
If satan were a web developer
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are on a train
Door opens and a beautiful young woman sits into their compartment. After a bit, while crossing her legs, the woman accidentally farts. She goes red to the tip of her hair so the Englishman gets up and says: "My apologies, madam, gentlemen, my lunch disagrees with me" After a while, the woman accidentally farts again. The Frenchman shoots up like a rocket and says: "Gentlemen, please excuse me, my lunch disagrees with me". Then the russian gets up and says: "I'm going out for a fag, if that bitch shits herself – it was me".
(Re)ally nice (post)
I’ll teach you a thing or two
The wage gap isn’t real
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO
Light: Bend me daddy
Yeah but has your girlfriend turned into the moon?
I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet
Put as many comments as possible
Jovial Electropherogram [not mine]
Cell Realignment machine allow the sick to live normal life
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
The more ya know…🥃
Boomer hentai IRL
Software Engineers in the Class of 2020
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
The rules for religions and penises are the same.
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
I love this format.
Just want to let you know You all matter
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
My friend complained to me that her new Saab 9-5 was having engine problems.
I told her I didn’t want to hear her Saab story.
Oh its such a glorious feeling
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
Technology stupid/ Book good ( found on r/fellowkids, OP u/PowerPond)
Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
Shared unironically on fb
one huge asterixis
Got my friend with this one, she was not too happy…
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
In these testing times maybe you need a short holiday
About damn time…
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
An unhappy marriage is better than a divorce
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
Why bother using tools designed for exactly what you’re doing?
A farmer in the Dell
My friend told me a very bad joke about gravity.
I still fell for it.
Millennials bad boomers good
Grandma too sweet
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
Tips for the long weekend