I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!
He even printed it out. Maximum old
Ugh I like Kurtis Colban I big sad ok
Starting a mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
Happy Valentine’s Day
As a Non-American, This is how I see Democrat and Republican Presidents
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
This calendar is the epitome of this sub
Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter”?
He said "Nein, I am ze German… but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/
No Java runtime present, requesting install.
My grandma shared this on Facebook today
400 Warnings is not a lot
Recess and cookies
An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess. Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess? Johnny: I played in the sandbox. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie. Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie. Teacher: Alright Suzie, what did you do? Suzie: I played in the sandbox with Johnny. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "box" on the board, you get a cookie. Suzie writes "box" and gets her cookie. Teacher: Jamal, what did you do? Jamal: Well, I tried to play with Johnny and Suzie, but they kicked sand in my face. Teacher: Oh no, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write "blatant racial discrimination" on the board, you get a cookie.
What compels them to post stuff like this? Honestly?
Feminists caused corona
“That one about the guy…”
I was having a bad time once and my friend felt the need to comfort me. He said "cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck at the bottom of a deep hole filled with water." I knew he meant well.
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
Even our ancestor is saying that!
So you definitely want me to work my full notice period?
Trump & McConnell are treasonous traitors
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
Please add the voting buttons to dark mode!
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted.
Using CNN new standards
What’s going on
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow's got the udder!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
wife bad, man poor
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
I once had sex with a girl in an apple orchard
I then came in cider.
No, that’s socialism!
Reddit wouldn’t let me crosspost so I’m keeping the bottom bar
Doing the world a favor just to own the libs
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just paramedics and someone else if they’re patient enough
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
Ice Cube with the cold truth
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.
Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.
Very advanced stuff here
Modern day plague doctors
Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
The Most Trusted Frame In Ooze…
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
I think that this belongs to this subreddit
Seriously why does this exist
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
Did you read the news about corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines everywhere!