I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
After my memory loss, I couldn’t remember the other word for ‘couch’.
I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.
I stopped being breastfed at 3
But enough about my day, how was yours?
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?
He hated the juice.
My son: Dad, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.
In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution
Could this be a red flag?
My dad died after no one could remember his blood type for a transfusion
As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.
I called my wife and told her I’d pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she’s not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
What did the coat say to the hanger
We should hang out sometime.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
How does Harry Potter get to class?
Walking. JK! Rolling!
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who needs lightbulbs when you have eight candles?
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
Why was the poor man selling yeast?
To raise some dough
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig
the letter “f”
My brother got fired from the mortuary for kissing the dead on the throat.
Turns out he was a neck romancer.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates
Bindi Irwin got married!
That's a ray of hope!
Why did the rapper get gold teeth?
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room…
…a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
