I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
You: Ok, knock knock Me: Who's there? You: …? Me: 😃
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
All he did was cut corners
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?
One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
He laughs at them sometimes
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?” The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”
I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night. I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”
Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.
I tried to picture her in my head and it broke my neck.
He said that's music to his heirs
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
Because, it has two shifts.
I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant…I am calling it Juan-Ton
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters! For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
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